Nonviolent communication

Relationship Skills Part 4

Last year, I took several classes on non-violent communication (NVC), a method for empathetic communication developed originally by Marshall Rosenburg in the 1980s. NVC is a set of techniques for slowing down conversation and surfacing feelings and needs that may be behind people’s positions. Hearing and acknowledging others’ feelings is powerful—the speaker feels heard and understood, and the listener is moved to greater compassion. This deescalates conflict and opens space for better communication and deeper relationship.

The key components of NVC are:

· Observing without judgment or blame

· Acknowledging our own feelings

· Identifying and verbalizing our needs

· Requesting what we need from others

I learned basic NVC skills through classes offered by Pam Orbach at A Center for Restorative Solutions. I recommend her classes, which are offered in person and online. The exercises required to learn these methods can feel clunky and time-consuming to the beginning practitioner, but I see the importance of practice and the promise of developing greater facility at employing these strategies in daily life.

We all benefit from listening well and from feeling heard and understood. Practicing empathy contributes to greater peace and understanding. I’ve been saddened to see how some Christian right authors and personalities have been spreading the twisted and harmful message that empathy is a sin (this idea has been embraced by Elon Musk as well). I’m committed to growing not thwarting empathy in our communities and our world.